i cry for you

my dear friend, i'm sorry that you had that experience. i'm not prepared to argue with you because i think no matter what evidence i may have, the head refuses to accept what the heart cannot understand. but it really did pain me to hear you say your stand so vehemently - it has become more than just a momentary choice but now you let it define who you are. my friend, even though you despise me for it, i pray for you with all my heart. because i believe we're all on a journey thru life and we need someone to guide us, someone greater, someone who knows the future, who knows us better than we know ourselves.

spectator or player?

Saviour

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is Mighty To Save

Forever- Author of Salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me

all my fears and failures

fill my life again

i give my life to follow

everything i believe in

now i surrender

i surrender

there's a difference btw a believer and a follower. many assume beliving in smth is the same as following what you believe in. however commitment doesn't come naturally, it's a decision and a choice. so being a spectator in the stands is not the same as playing the game, training for it, persevering in it and building up your resilience to take the hard knocks. i really appreciated the analogy of the spectator vs player cuz of being a sportsperson. it's really smth you choose to want to work hard on it because it's never a given. you work hard or just be content with sitting on the stands.

i'm easily contented. it's not always a good thing. perhaps i can accept sitting out on the netball team (prob why i'm set to be 2nd team) but being a spectator of Christianity? no, i want to be a true follower. which means i can't be content with simply having the head knowledge, having the outward appearance of a follower, even being involved and doing what a committed person would do. because coming down for training is a minimum, but putting your heart into the training and going back to think about what you learnt and how to apply and having it fill your mind on your way back... that's passion.

i cried that sunday singing that song because i realised the word Saviour wasn't just a casual word. it's crying out "Saviour!" like, someone you trust totally and place your heart and life with. but the kicker was the next line: "MY GOD is mighty to save" because He isn't just anyone's saviour, He's My saviour. and it just struck me that i've no ownership in this relationship, how can i call him my saviour? oh and then when it went "Jesus conquered the grave" i just got overwhelmed with the awesomeness and how almighty He is... God has a way of doing that, showing just how GREAT He is. and it overwhelms you, because you know how unworthy you are.

so Vee was right, i felt estranged from God cuz i've been caught up in activity. so it's good to sing from your heart cuz God would use the song to "touch the recesses of your soul".

so i'll update how my new relationship is going soon... not boyfriend, but relationship with My saviour.



rollercoaster to square one

i want to beat someone up. moe person called saying that the Ba offer was an "error". WHO MAKES MISTAKES FOR THIS SORTA THING?! it's not just my education path but my career at stake too thank you very much. GRRRR. and now because of this last min oops i have to send in appeal after appeal to try and get a place in uni somehow so i don't get stuck teaching here for another year. it's amazing how the one place that made me discover how much i enjoy teaching is also the one place which i face the most discouragement EVER, particularly in pursuing this career.

now is the time all to live up to all those larger-than-life remarks about "eirene shows great tenacity" that my teachers have showered on me thru the years of appraisals. thanks cher.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

whoever thought trusting God was easy is a fool (me). but having this security that He's with me is seriously the only thing keeping me from bursting into frustrated tears and wallowing in despair.

i'm sure there's a reason i've been put on this rollercoaster that leads to nowhere - well, at least i don't know where.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

the hard way

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

countdown to hols begins

i am so tired. really hate bringing work home, but i must i must i must finish marking, clearing the books. because book-checking is coming soon. because i am trying to be a better teacher, responsible worker, hardworking and persevering. because i am trying to be blameless. but i am so tired. from the kids and the screaming and my blood pressure has definitely increased.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

9 more days to june hols

coping with disappointment

this is how i cope:

1. cry (which hasn't been successful. can't even get a proper tear to roll down)
2. call LL to complain
3. distract myself with music and FB
4. blog
5. sleep

i'd like to have distracted myself by doing something more productive but that would mean marking which reminds me of my disappointment at being a failure at my job.

daddy just asked me how my audience with the P went and i told him how hopeless it was. i'm more convinced than ever that I AM GOING TO LEAVE. it just sucks to leave on a bad note.

i admit, the feedback given touched on a pertinent issue. i admit it's a weakness and i have to change. but to pit it against all my other positive attributes and decide that i don't have what it takes?  i'm just terribly annoyed!! that it affects my future this way. and pissed at myself for crying whenever i talk or even think about it. i think its a mix of embarrassment and fear and anger. i always get offended when people speak against my character or attitude or family because i honestly have a good one. but i know, part of having good attitude is to take criticism as pointers to grow and change. so YES i shall exhibit good attitude by CHANGING for the better.

and that starts with sleeping NOW so i can wake early to mark books! yay.

headache

possible causes:

1. tiredness
2. marking
3. rejection
4. menses
5. all of the above

so the headache and no.5 makes me want to burst into tears spontaneously which makes me want to curl up in bed to sleep (no.1) which is annoying cuz i can't cuz i have to mark (no.2) which reminds me how incompetent i am in time management cuz i don't even have a full teacher load and i already suck which is the explanation given when no.3 happened. plus we all know how no.4 makes us feel, not to mention lowers immunity and coupled with no.1 i think an MC is coming soon. which wouldn't matter cuz i can't miss sch cuz its exam time and i have to drill and revise with the kids. which then reminds me again, of no.3 and how it shouldn't get in the way of me being a good teacher except it does!

ARGHHHHH.

sorry i know it sounds slightly confusing and i'm being vague, but i don't want to say anything until i carry out plan B against no.3, which was wonderfully conceived and crafted by my dad (white hair=experience in his case, and he has alot). so yay for daddy! hehe

ok back to being a responsible teacher and doing my marking now.

long overdue post

I just read a blog post of one of my netball junior's, and i felt this rush of emotion (alright i admit the emotion would have rushed better if my head wasn't like a stone block right now from staying up just to finish up my LTC proposal). yea it was the same emotion that stopped me from blogging about that last 2 matches - although i really wanted to say almost ANYTHING that would cheer up my girls after the AJC match... But i realised it was just better to give them some time to let things settle down in their mind first rather than drown them in words of "it's okay" cuz obviously at that point in time it's not okay and everyone needs time to cry, even for a moment.

It's not a weakness to cry, it's an outlet for emotions to be expressed when words can't do it cuz your mind's too distraught to even comprehend the need for tears. I used to think that it's useless to cry because crying doesn't help anything or make things better, and i guess i use that logic now to stop myself from crying unnecessarily, but honestly all girls know that crying brings such relief sometimes. (and it's the best weapon against clueless guys HAHA) so sob your heart out girls, but remember not to let your emotions cloud your logic! emotions are such a tricky thing, especially when hormones and mood swings come into play.

ANYWAY i said to my juniors what i wanted to tell them already, wrote them personal notes of encouragement and thanks and other important stuff tho not related directly to netball. And seriously i miss them already, even though i haven't seen them for merely 4 days and i'm actually seeing them tmr! it's like missing them in advance, cuz i know i won't be seeing them that often, the seniors at least, and i don't have much reason to be part of their life anymore... which is sad when i put it that way but i really want to be more than a senior, more than a coach, but someone who takes a sincere interest in their lives - not just the part related to their performance on court. 

hey, when i say i love you girls i really mean it, more than a mere feeling of attachment or pride. i really wish i had more time to get to know you all personally, individually - you are all so unique and different! 

i super appreciate the support you all gave me and the contributions and sacrifices each of you made for this team. i'm really proud of you girls! and i'm proud to be related to this team, it's been awesome:)