red as a lobster

Last week i was at NTU netball training camp...

don't be fooled by the happy smiling faces, the camp was SO TIRING, it was seriously just netball 24/7 for 3 days. i even dreamt of training!!! for me it was as much of getting used to the culture of the team as it was about preparing for the upcoming season. i never spoke so much chinese in my life as i did those 3 days.

it was only when i met the SNP leaders for supper after we broke camp and realised how GLAD i was to see them and how much i missed being in their company that i figured how out of place i feel in this netball team. it's more than the language of course, i just don't feel like i belong...

spectator or player?

Saviour

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is Mighty To Save

Forever- Author of Salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me

all my fears and failures

fill my life again

i give my life to follow

everything i believe in

now i surrender

i surrender

there's a difference btw a believer and a follower. many assume beliving in smth is the same as following what you believe in. however commitment doesn't come naturally, it's a decision and a choice. so being a spectator in the stands is not the same as playing the game, training for it, persevering in it and building up your resilience to take the hard knocks. i really appreciated the analogy of the spectator vs player cuz of being a sportsperson. it's really smth you choose to want to work hard on it because it's never a given. you work hard or just be content with sitting on the stands.

i'm easily contented. it's not always a good thing. perhaps i can accept sitting out on the netball team (prob why i'm set to be 2nd team) but being a spectator of Christianity? no, i want to be a true follower. which means i can't be content with simply having the head knowledge, having the outward appearance of a follower, even being involved and doing what a committed person would do. because coming down for training is a minimum, but putting your heart into the training and going back to think about what you learnt and how to apply and having it fill your mind on your way back... that's passion.

i cried that sunday singing that song because i realised the word Saviour wasn't just a casual word. it's crying out "Saviour!" like, someone you trust totally and place your heart and life with. but the kicker was the next line: "MY GOD is mighty to save" because He isn't just anyone's saviour, He's My saviour. and it just struck me that i've no ownership in this relationship, how can i call him my saviour? oh and then when it went "Jesus conquered the grave" i just got overwhelmed with the awesomeness and how almighty He is... God has a way of doing that, showing just how GREAT He is. and it overwhelms you, because you know how unworthy you are.

so Vee was right, i felt estranged from God cuz i've been caught up in activity. so it's good to sing from your heart cuz God would use the song to "touch the recesses of your soul".

so i'll update how my new relationship is going soon... not boyfriend, but relationship with My saviour.



post-recess week

accomplished:

- 2 computer lab reports!

- copied my timetable into my personal diary

- brainstormed (a little) on my lit essay

to be accomplished:

- lit essay for wed

-study for organic chem test next mon

-study for intro to bio test next tues

-jonah outline for sunday sch by thurs

-medley auditions for next sat

 

a hug is all you need at the end of a crazy day:)

Let's not get lost and cry on Sundays

We'll take it a step at a time

Hand in hand

two-oh

despite the many events which fall on my birthday, none of which is a birthday party, i intend to have a happy birthday! no matter that i'm having a grumpy day even though my well-meaning hall friends were really nice and trying to cheer me up, and that i'm hormonally not disposed to be cheerful, and that i have to stay up to complete 20 pages of hw for tmr...

I SHALL HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Dear God, thank you for seeing me through 20 years of life on this earth. Through the ups and downs, You are always there for me, Your presence is the ultimate place of solace, rest, comfort, joy. Keep me in Your Grace, my Father. Mould me for Your use. My birthday wish, as it has been for the last 10 years: to be a woman after Your own heart, to be a blessing to others. Grant it to me, according to Your timing and will! Even as i start on a new part of this journey, keep me close to Your side. Grant me discernment. Open my eyes to Your will and may Your Word govern my heart! 

In Jesus' name, who saves us, Amen.

back for good!

the retreat was great!!! glorious sky sea sun... batam is really lovely. although we only had this type of weather on like the first and last day we were there, the sunsets were always so awesome. photos on fb, not that i took any, there were enough cameras anyway.

there was alot of free and easy time, which we spent mostly in the pool, soaking up the chlorine; that i had to condition my hair like ALOT. i'm glad i managed to spend some time with the girls, and chat more to some of the chinese cong youth, it really does make you feel like the church is more united simply cuz of the fellowship. and i'm so happy i got to hang out with people my age too! not that i hate playing baby sitter of course;)

the resort was really awesome, even though the chalet we stayed in was like at the top of this enormous hill that we huffed and puffed up at least once a day. oh they have exceptional service! always impressed with awesome service staff. wish we had more time to explore the place, and do some of the water sports! didn't get to do much cuz most afternoons we were having sessions, and the weather was kinda cloudy anyway. 

OH but our speaker was great! Pastor Thomas seriously has a gift, no one would hear him and say he wasn't an engaging, thought-provoking, relevant speaker. he really brought across how we shouldn't be merely "running different softwares" for the various roles we play in life, who we are in Christ should permeate our entire living. okay gonna read the notes and take some practical action!! ;)

update

okay so you know i didn't clear my sch's assessment of my contract teaching right, which was for me to enter the diploma program in NIE (which i was gonna "upgrade" to a degree if i'd got it), but i had also applied seperately for an education degree at NIE/NTU as one of my uni choices. so we all assumed that the degree application would be affected as well, and i've been convinced since then that doing a regular academic degree would be best, and i could pursue a post-grad in education later if i wanted. yah well, guess what, i'm being offered the education degree at NIE. 

before you start congratulating me, allow me to explain the irony. merely 2 months ago i would've been ESTACTIC being accepted into NIE, but after the big disappointment i was all ready to change course and change direction, taking a break from Education (as a career, i mean). and then i end up being blown about back to square one, which i should've expected cuz it's what i had wanted when i indicated Education as my first 2 choices in degree courses.

so i sent out this email to ntu admissions office asking if i could appeal to change course, and michelle's gonna help me check my email and answer any calls on my behalf while i'm soaking up the sun in Batam. we'll see what happens in a week's time:)

who knew i'd change my mind after one major setback? maybe i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

non-stop action begins today

3 camps in 2 weeks. all my friends and family, please tell me NOT to do this again (esp during precious holiday time). 

actually i think it's this first camp that is taking alot out of me. seriously i have outgrown disciplinary training camps. i just kinda lost the heart, that's why it's gonna be a painful 4 days ahead. let you know what happens when i'm all burnt and aching and tired on thurs evening...

i've yet to reveal to my parents that i'm leaving on friday again...

please pray for me not to fall ill!

the hard way

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

countdown to hols begins

i am so tired. really hate bringing work home, but i must i must i must finish marking, clearing the books. because book-checking is coming soon. because i am trying to be a better teacher, responsible worker, hardworking and persevering. because i am trying to be blameless. but i am so tired. from the kids and the screaming and my blood pressure has definitely increased.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

9 more days to june hols

usually can't stay emo for long

ok ALERT to MICHELLE ANN ROZARIO that the following post talks about GOD. (never thought you'd see your name in the same sentence as His right?)

Breathe On Me Now - Kathryn Scott (link!)

When my soul has cried its tears
And my heart begins to faint
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

When my days are filled with longing
And my spirit groans and waits
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

I'm calling and waiting
Your presence Lord is life to me

Breathe on me now as I bow down
I'm desperate Lord for more of You
Come satisfy until I
Am even more in need of You

When my dreams have been forgotten
And my hope begins to fade
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

When my days are filled with searching
And my strength has given way
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me 

i immediately felt it when i was sincerely replying a friend bout how i was doing. i mean i'm alright, but then i started thinking about the stuff that's happened the past weekends and how i've been avoiding even thinking about it, about THEM. and then i thought what a lousy job i've been doing. then i felt emo and started searching for really emo songs on my sister's playlist (HAHA says alot bout her). but somehow emo songs are always about heartbreak and lost love etc, which isn't what i'm emoing about! 

then i found this song and thought, maybe, what i was upset about wasn't the heart of the matter. i feel insecure and useless and unworthy and dumb BUT i figured the REAL issue is how i've been casually putting off meeting up with the ONE person who can make me feel loved and secure and useful and able. and i guess the distance has kinda taken a toll, i can feel the hunger pangs and gastric juices and weakening of... my spirit. i'm talking about that overwhelming emptiness that comes when you put off being distracted for awhile.. and BAM! it hits you, then washes over you and you scramble for the emo music to distract you again.

so as uncomfortable the song lyrics may be to some, this is the song that is appropriate for my emo-ness this time. its the only type of emo-ness that REALLY affects me you know...

Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

i'm in love

i think i'm in love with my kids (my students). i keep talking about them and i think my friends get very bored hearing all my horror stories about how they drive me crazy, yet they're so adorable (in retrospect).

this week has been really tiring at work, having to report for work early for 3 out of 5 days really takes a toll, in addition to staying back for 3 hours twice a week to finish up marking. but you know what, i'm still bent on being a teacher. and i'm so eager to go to nie for my training so i can be a good one.

my poor kids, they bear the brunt of my moody, cranky, tired and stretched self. it really is energy-zapping, but i love it. for all the stress, irritation, even anger that the job causes, it's quite worth it.

step up

wish i had a similar picture without the bearded guy!

change is coming, i know it! time to change my perspective, change for the better, and grow up. i think it's time i start taking responsibility in my own relationships and commitments, because it's a waste of anyone's life to live like a cruiser. 

charisma + maturity = influence

stuck on taylor swift!

you don't have to call anymore

i won't pick up the phone

this is the last straw

don't wanna hurt anymore

and you can tell me that you're sorry but i don't believe you baby like i did before

you're not sorry

oh no

so heartbreaking right! taylor swift is really a talented artist. i mean she can make bimbotic teenage breakups sound just like it is at the time - heartwrenching. but it's true that when u get older you just look back and laugh at how silly it all was:)

looking forward to being 20 and putting away all my childish ways!

wait a little longer, silly romance.

Negligence and Blurry Vision - can you see the future cuz i can't

a little carelessness goes a long way...

if i'd signed up and taken the physical proficiency test when i was applying for NIE i wouldn't be in this mess. now it's going to be alot more time and hassle to study to teach physical education, and like my aunt who spoke to the big shots told me "it's really based on your desire to be a PE teacher".

initially when i got the call informing me that i could not enter NIE specializing in PE, i just started blaming my prospective employers - "stooopid MOE go and offer me PE when i didn't even take the test and didn't even inform me that i had to take the darn test till it's too late". later on when my laywer aunt who has friends in the education line (the directors and such) told me it was NIE that was rather inflexible to my appeal i started blaming the school too - "so rigid! how can they do this! and i'm not the only case!"

but truth be told it was my own fault for overlooking that tiny blue underlined hyperlink on the application page that would've informed me to take the test before i could be eligible for entry. ARGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

now it's time to consider my options:
1. just go ahead and enter the teaching course this month, but doing biology instead

2. write in to apply to be a contract teacher for a year, hopefully they will hold my place in the course, take the physical test and enter uni next year studying PE

3. take a gap year, go work, take the test, enter uni next year - maybe by then i'll do smth else

4. continue screaming and pounding the table, maybe they'll feel my pain and let me (okay fine this option's not valid. quite tempting to do just that my manicured nails might suffer)

seriously option 3 would be fun, then i can do my coaching for my VJ netball juniors this year till next april without having to consider my uni schedule. sigh but i'll be a fool to let go of a scholarship too, and it's not that i detest teaching bio - i realised i've been thinking too much about the subject but in fact the main focus of the course would be the TEACHING. just that teaching PE feels totally different because it's not really academic and the reason why i wanted to do PE was the constant exposure i would have to sports. i mean the benefits of sports and games is something i sincerely believe in, not to mention it's fun and (i hope) enjoyable to teach. but what i failed to see was the need to look past the 4 year teaching bond that comes with the scholarship course - do i see myself teaching in the long term? what do i want to do after that?

somehow i don't like the idea of teaching for a year before going into uni, just to teach again for 4 years after that. what if i decide that teaching isn't my thing? or get bored of the whole education stint - it'll be 9 years of studying to be a teacher/actually teaching *pukes*. alright if i do take up this course now (option 1) it'll be 8 years of the above, just that it's bio not PE.

HOWNOWBROWNCOW! i'm talking myself into confusion....

anyway i had a chat with vee who could tell i was quite sad when i received the news from my aunt after she spoke to the asst. director guy who sent me the letter of appointment (i was so confused emotionally i wasn't sure if i was disappointed or just too tired to react - i think slightly disappointed but at least i knew the outcome of the appeal). so vee was telling me to think past the 4 year bond, that it would help my current situation decision making if i was clear about what i want to do. but more than that, whatever career move i make, there must be a purpose and not just going with the flow.. i tend to go with the flow, it's easier that way, think it's part of my lazy nature. NOT a good thing to be lazy - lazy until i forfeit my choices and desires. and vee said if i can't see past the 4 years in teaching, then trust God - to lead me where i will be happy doing His work. but whatever i do, i must have purpose, must have heart.

i have got some thinking to do, and i need to talk to my parents about my more current future, although i already have a slight suspicion on what the decision will be. i think this saga has made me reconsider what i really want, if sports is THAAAAT important to me. i would say it's a safer path to take, teaching PE, cuz sports is a definate interest of mine (so even if i detest teaching the fact that i'm immersed in sports would keep me going) BUT there are other ways to keep myself involved in sports, and in a useful manner. it's whether i want to go teaching at all (which i had initially jumped into since i thought i'd be teaching smth safely within my interests). it's a useful skill to learn, being a teacher, and there will be plenty of interaction with young people, plus it's a steady flow of youth to influence.

alright, all this thinking makes me hungry. update you all on my decision soon!