God blessed the broken road

it hit me when i cabbed back with 3 bags of stuff from my work place tonight (2 bags of barang, 1 bag of marking) that things are not gonna be the way they are as of the past 1 year. yupp, i've been working at FSPS for almost a year! 2 weeks short, but still.. annoyingly it's the teachers' day fortnight (and my bday week) that i've missed this year and last so i decided to give my students an unsubtle hint - "if you want to give me teachers' day present don't wait until next week ah! tmr last day already!" still thinking if i should stash all my the teachers' day cards somewhere so i won't have to bring it to huishan's place and subsequently to the staff dinner-.-''

anyway i don't think i'm really at a fork of a road yet, more like a change of environment. but i think the crossroads will be coming soon when uni life takes me full force. i don't know exactly what to expect and i'm half putting up my defences while wanting to soak myself in the fact that i'm a student again! it's different hanging out with colleagues and with classmates you know, i mean besides age, it's like a portion of the working relationship thing hangs over you. that's why i've really enjoyed this past week cuz i think i've been letting my inhibitions down a little so i could be more kiddy and laugh n joke more, and maybe cuz my colleagues have been more relaxed w me too since i'm leaving. it's really a lovely feeling, to have people wish you the best - colleagues, bosses, parents of students... and saying goodbye has never felt so happy before! amid all the well-wishes i was really touched to hear from a colleague, quite unexpectedly actually, that i would be missed. i think after the hustle of change has blown over, i'll look back and find that yea, i miss the people here too. my first proper working experience has been so eye-opening and fruitful and made so pleasant by the people that's filled my days. thanks ya'll ;)

23 more days

 

so turns out i'm included in the annual staff dinner, this year it's at THE HILTON woohooooo! and the theme is "Around the World" so i'd appreciate suggestions if not i might just wear a fruit basket on my head... it'll be a great way to end of my last day of work!

i wanna learn social ballroom dance!


you are dear to me cuz our conversations keep replaying in my head

best moment today

while waiting for dismissal i told my class that i want to go home early so the class must show everyone they can be the quietest (the asst DM dismisses them according to noise level). in order to achieve that i...

1. had to call out the talking kids repeatedly to tell them to shhhh

2. threatened that if we all stay back cuz of them, tmr they will suffer

3. refused to answer their incessant questions, my favourite being: miss lee what is "suffer"?

It worked! we were the first to be dismissed today!!! (4/5 days my class is always the last)

couldn't conceal my proud smile HAHAHA:)

rollercoaster to square one

i want to beat someone up. moe person called saying that the Ba offer was an "error". WHO MAKES MISTAKES FOR THIS SORTA THING?! it's not just my education path but my career at stake too thank you very much. GRRRR. and now because of this last min oops i have to send in appeal after appeal to try and get a place in uni somehow so i don't get stuck teaching here for another year. it's amazing how the one place that made me discover how much i enjoy teaching is also the one place which i face the most discouragement EVER, particularly in pursuing this career.

now is the time all to live up to all those larger-than-life remarks about "eirene shows great tenacity" that my teachers have showered on me thru the years of appraisals. thanks cher.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

whoever thought trusting God was easy is a fool (me). but having this security that He's with me is seriously the only thing keeping me from bursting into frustrated tears and wallowing in despair.

i'm sure there's a reason i've been put on this rollercoaster that leads to nowhere - well, at least i don't know where.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

update

okay so you know i didn't clear my sch's assessment of my contract teaching right, which was for me to enter the diploma program in NIE (which i was gonna "upgrade" to a degree if i'd got it), but i had also applied seperately for an education degree at NIE/NTU as one of my uni choices. so we all assumed that the degree application would be affected as well, and i've been convinced since then that doing a regular academic degree would be best, and i could pursue a post-grad in education later if i wanted. yah well, guess what, i'm being offered the education degree at NIE. 

before you start congratulating me, allow me to explain the irony. merely 2 months ago i would've been ESTACTIC being accepted into NIE, but after the big disappointment i was all ready to change course and change direction, taking a break from Education (as a career, i mean). and then i end up being blown about back to square one, which i should've expected cuz it's what i had wanted when i indicated Education as my first 2 choices in degree courses.

so i sent out this email to ntu admissions office asking if i could appeal to change course, and michelle's gonna help me check my email and answer any calls on my behalf while i'm soaking up the sun in Batam. we'll see what happens in a week's time:)

who knew i'd change my mind after one major setback? maybe i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

the hard way

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

countdown to hols begins

i am so tired. really hate bringing work home, but i must i must i must finish marking, clearing the books. because book-checking is coming soon. because i am trying to be a better teacher, responsible worker, hardworking and persevering. because i am trying to be blameless. but i am so tired. from the kids and the screaming and my blood pressure has definitely increased.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

9 more days to june hols

week 8

this week was exam week! not particularly stressful because we're just invigilating and marking the scripts, but it's so tiring! like seriously, we gotta stay awake for 1.5 hours (no toilet break) just staring at the students. and that's after 3 hours of block marking in the morning... 

but i'm not complaining, cuz this means hols are coming soon!!!!! and that i don't have to rush syllabus like crazy anymore...

i'm playing netball tmr with my juniors at some free and easy carnival... i miss the sport, i miss playing:) caught up with my juniors recently and really wished i could've been there for their season this year :/  but well i'm glad we still get along fine and that their passion for netball hasn't dampened one bit! it's infectious, almost. thinking if i should join bedok training (the netball club mel's in) when their league season ends, but i dunno if i can commit... see how it goes!

hope i can wake up tmr, game's at 9am. after that it's shopping with nicole!! 

DAY 3

its been 2 days since i got the news of my impending doom and i've sent out 1 SOS to my church people, discussed it personally with my parents and sister, complained to most of my colleagues esp those sitting near me, called LL numerous times to mope even though she was having her last 2 papers and now she's celebrating the end of exams. after reading all the encouraging SMSes and FB msges, listening to the support from everyone else other than those who determine my near future, and looking at the situation as objectively as possible... i'm feeling better la.

despite wanting to be incredibly unmotivated since i'm being 'rejected', i've been making effort to be as BLAMELESS as i humanly can. i guess it's really a rude awakening:/ and about making effort in class (where it is almost impossible for others to monitor), thankfully my conscience and compassion for the little monsters are pushing me thru.

right. time for this new leaf of a good girl to go to bed so i can be in sch EARLY;)

coping with disappointment

this is how i cope:

1. cry (which hasn't been successful. can't even get a proper tear to roll down)
2. call LL to complain
3. distract myself with music and FB
4. blog
5. sleep

i'd like to have distracted myself by doing something more productive but that would mean marking which reminds me of my disappointment at being a failure at my job.

daddy just asked me how my audience with the P went and i told him how hopeless it was. i'm more convinced than ever that I AM GOING TO LEAVE. it just sucks to leave on a bad note.

i admit, the feedback given touched on a pertinent issue. i admit it's a weakness and i have to change. but to pit it against all my other positive attributes and decide that i don't have what it takes?  i'm just terribly annoyed!! that it affects my future this way. and pissed at myself for crying whenever i talk or even think about it. i think its a mix of embarrassment and fear and anger. i always get offended when people speak against my character or attitude or family because i honestly have a good one. but i know, part of having good attitude is to take criticism as pointers to grow and change. so YES i shall exhibit good attitude by CHANGING for the better.

and that starts with sleeping NOW so i can wake early to mark books! yay.

headache

possible causes:

1. tiredness
2. marking
3. rejection
4. menses
5. all of the above

so the headache and no.5 makes me want to burst into tears spontaneously which makes me want to curl up in bed to sleep (no.1) which is annoying cuz i can't cuz i have to mark (no.2) which reminds me how incompetent i am in time management cuz i don't even have a full teacher load and i already suck which is the explanation given when no.3 happened. plus we all know how no.4 makes us feel, not to mention lowers immunity and coupled with no.1 i think an MC is coming soon. which wouldn't matter cuz i can't miss sch cuz its exam time and i have to drill and revise with the kids. which then reminds me again, of no.3 and how it shouldn't get in the way of me being a good teacher except it does!

ARGHHHHH.

sorry i know it sounds slightly confusing and i'm being vague, but i don't want to say anything until i carry out plan B against no.3, which was wonderfully conceived and crafted by my dad (white hair=experience in his case, and he has alot). so yay for daddy! hehe

ok back to being a responsible teacher and doing my marking now.

i have red pens in every bag

haha i'll be thrilled if my students could speak in proper sentences like that!

i'm gearing up for a busy next few weeks cuz EXAMS are here and i gotta clear all my backlog and return the files for them to revise by NEXT WEEK. oh and there's block marking of exam scripts to do *faints*

next three days will be at least 10-hour days, cuz of courses and compo block marking *sobs*

have no fear, long weekend approaching! if only we were like France - if a holiday fell on thurs or tues, the middle working day (fri or mon) would be a holiday too. Think, if only we had 4-day long weekends!!

i'm in love

i think i'm in love with my kids (my students). i keep talking about them and i think my friends get very bored hearing all my horror stories about how they drive me crazy, yet they're so adorable (in retrospect).

this week has been really tiring at work, having to report for work early for 3 out of 5 days really takes a toll, in addition to staying back for 3 hours twice a week to finish up marking. but you know what, i'm still bent on being a teacher. and i'm so eager to go to nie for my training so i can be a good one.

my poor kids, they bear the brunt of my moody, cranky, tired and stretched self. it really is energy-zapping, but i love it. for all the stress, irritation, even anger that the job causes, it's quite worth it.

just an ordinary day

to do:

1. mark math WS
2. mark math WB
3. mark english compo
4. drench all the books i haven't marked from Term 1 with red pen ink
5. letter informing parents about classroom syllabus for T2
6. comments for students for report book
7. subject allocation thingy (some form teacher admin)
8. prepare for psalm appreciation night!
9. clear my room floor of clothes
10. shower
11. pray
12. sleep

i think i'll start somewhere from the bottom:P

oh today my student asked me "miss lee what is 'bored'?" and for once i found that i couldnt explain it in simpler english, i actually resorted to using chinese. dunno whether to be annoyed at my lousy walking dictionary skills or be proud of the fact that i used my mother tongue and was understood. or in my students' words dunno whether to be "happy or sad" - cuz that's the only 2 human emotions in their vocabulary. "how do you think she felt when the boy played a trick on her?" "sad" "why do you think the boy decided to trick her?" "he felt happy". i must admit to rolling my eyes at my students. i'm sure you empathise.

young n old

i know it sounds silly, but i miss talking to guys my age (i know, why not girls right? cuz it's more stressful talking to girls, unless its my LL). it's a different level of mindless intelligent banter that you forget the next day but there's a carefree quality that you only get by chatting to peers, or people who don't expect you to be younger or older, who don't look up or down to you, who don't care about age or experience or capability.

it's different talking in the workplace, where at the back of everyone's mind is "i haven't finished marking this!" or "i bet my students are gonna tear the classroom down if i don't get there in a jiffy" (okay so that's just me, i dunno if it's a common train of thought)

thank God that i have caring, considerate and professional colleagues. i think its the common bond of suffering that we share that makes us look out for each other. i really appreciate them, but it's different hanging out with peers where you can be dumb and childish without being thought of as dumb and childish. i'm more reserved in school because everyone is older - in age and mindset.

okay one day i shall blog about my teaching experience, i promise it won't be merely complaining about the admin and the marking! there's so much i've learnt;)

anyway everytime i go to NIE for my PPT i always get this excited nervous hopeful feeling, like i'm supposed to be here! i'll be a uni student soon! the fun the friends the feeling of being young and devoid of responsibility. i just can't wait...

the value of sleep

sleeplessness makes me cranky, messes up my body clock n systems, adds to my number of unsquishable white heads (fyi for the idiot- white head=mini dried up pimple),  makes me BINGE like crazy, and makes me so muddle-headed that i can lose an important piece of paper that was entrusted to me on sunday when i was carrying ridiculous number of bags and stuff so i don't know where i put the paper. D:

but sleeplessness, for one night at least, is a worthy price to pay for my efforts to scale the unending mountain of MARKING i have to clear, slowly but surely. who knew teachers had backlog?

on MC

my mum was right. you can't go without enough rest and expect to be in the pink of health. i guess i need to be more responsible about taking care of myself! :/ 

sometimes my mum gives me advice which i tend to ignore, like "cut down your social activities, come home early and rest", but now i know i should heed advice coming from a true busy bee. i think my siblings n i inherited the "busy gene" from my mum, we all like to dip our hands into so many activities and have a hundred commitments. i hope we also inherited the ability to handle big projects and tons of stress from our dad! haha i know i got the "watch tv mindlessly" habit from him (prob to destress)

on other news, i failed my PPT (the PE test i took recently). sometimes i think they fail people on purpose so they have to take it a few times and pay more. but anyway it was a marked improvement! i passed every station at least, but i missed the passing grade by one. i'm actually pleasantly surprised cuz i thought i'd do worse, so i'm quite on about taking the May test. just that i need to schedule time to train for it!

k i'm gonna sleep early to prep for a long day at sch tmr! silly of me to wanna go back even tho i've MC for tmr too, but i feel bad for leaving my kids with funny relief teachers.

bottle it up

i promise i'll blog properly over the weekend! if i'm not marking my ass off or finishing the sci-fi sequel that jeanle lent me (I <3 Ender!) all you sci-fi critics, you ain't seen anything till you read Ender's Game (and all the subsequent books in the series). proof - mel hasn't returned me one of the sequels yet (Ender's Shadow i think). okay but come to think of it she hasn't returned me alot of stuff GRRR.

alright back to marking! (i havent exactly started on today's pile but i'm going to! after i feed my growling tummy:P)

miss lee, how?

is teaching the thing for me? i can see myself being in education for the next 5-10 years maybe, but 20, 30 years? the problem with taking a bachelors in education is that it limits my options for jobs in other fields. but i guess its like that for most academic degrees, no?

solution: apply for everything first and see what happens

MTP

MEET THE PARENTS.

no, not the movie (unfortunately). i really am meeting the parents of my students tomorrow night :0

SOB another LOOOOOOOONG day at work, starting from 10am remedial and ending at 9.30pm when my nightmare would finally be over. i can imagine myself rushing thru the presentation and trying to push the parents out to meet the mother tongue teachers before my allocated hour is up. but of course i can't do that :(

i'm secretly hoping most of the parents won't come for the meeting so i won't have trouble remembering parents' faces/surnames/specific family issues and have to promise each one of them that "i'll keep an eye out for your child". because seriously i only have a pair, and yes, every child is precious but it's true i don't and can't give special attention to each one. 

ok gonna add in more slides for the ppt presentation so will have more killed more time and to bore the parents so they'll be less energetic by the time it comes to the Q&A. hehehee.